The question is, do you know what you have lost? Have you like me settled for what is? Yesterday in the stress of coming home, getting ready, and (for me) getting ready for a trans-continental trip. Tempers flared as the kids acted up testing our patience and our love. After a long silence I found Angelina in the study staring at our wedding photos.
I don’t like it when Mommy is angry, she says. I wish she was like that, she points at the wedding photos, always happy, she was so beautiful.
Oh man, I look at the pictures of the young couple so young, so in love. Almost tangible electrical passion passing between the two. Who are they? I quickly correct myself, where are they now? How did we loose that?
Then I remember that Jesus came to save that which was lost and a wild and a little bit crazy hope flares in my heart. maybe that can be true for us… Maybe it can be true for you…
Hanna preached on God’s promises when in depression today at Southwark and God showed up! It was a great day and God certainly spoke to me.
I have carried a wound with me since I was a little boy and I was moved from home to home (most of the time within the extended family). The message I have carried with me is “You are on your own” and today as I was praying about my own difficult times. God spoke and said “you are not on your own!”
At the fellowship after church i was talking to some of the squatters from the drop in. We where talking about the message I said to them “believeing in God is easy, it is beleiving that he believes in me…. that’s the hard part!”
To trust that God will be that perfect father, that it is truly true that he will never leave nor forsake me. To trust that he has forgiven me…. To trust that I am no longer on my own in this world; That is the hard bit.
I always found it hard to take the image of God as my heavenly father to my heart. I didn’t want a father like mine (one who lived in a different city, that i met once a year) or like my stepfather while I was in junior high who would get drunk and through whatever wasn’t nailed to the floor in the wall or out the window.
I always searched for a father figure, who could always be there, one who would love me unconditionally, one who would always look at me with compassion.
I never got it, I got a rolemodel in Colin Hatcher who taught me everything he knew, I got Love from Mr Brown who just wouldn’t stop hugging me, I got undying support from Peter Lindquist and so on, maybe all of these parts together would be what the heavenly Fathers love would be like and maybe that is what it was. But that is a hard for a teenager to put that equation together.
I later got a better relation to my father, more thanks to their efforts to constantly invite me oand my new family over, than any effort of mine. Not that I didnät want to there was never time enough. Even so we never seem to meet intimately like I envision that father and son should do at some point. Sharing dreams, laughs, thoughts etc. Maybe one day.
Now I am learning what the Fathers love means day by day by being one. Learning what it feels like when your little one is sick, the sting in the heart when somebody else plays with your child a bit to rough (You know they would never hurt them but…) The tears forming in your eyes when your child walks up to you for no reason and gives you a big hug.
Little by little I am beginning to truly understand what it means when the Bible says that He cares for me like a father, and it feels good.
It’s 03:22 and guess what, I am not sleeping…. as per normal. Anja is holding a birthday vigil to make sure she is celebrated properly. Hanna is asleep, hopefully dreaming of cows and producong milk (as she has none yet). Angelina sleeps also and Anja is resting on my other arm, hopefully fallling asleep.
Every 20 minutes she wakes up and needs our attention. Hungry, in need of a diaper change or for some old fashioned closeness schmoseness. The three C’s of babyhood. Clean, Close & Calories!
If I remember it correctly it was two and a half months with Angelina before I slept my first night through.