Archive for December 2010

Aftermath

I am home now, the “old normal” is fighting to take over the “new normal” the memories are fading and it seems very far of all the important things that happened long time ago (yesterday) in a galaxy far far away (well a remote corner of another continent anyways).

No new agreements have snuck in, or have they? I am wondering if, what I perceived as ongoing mortar fire ( that kept me pinned down in bed for hours), maybe was normal day to day warfare. Warfare that was amplified by the prayerful atmosphere and  our heightened awareness that the bootcamp provided?

Maybe it is the normality of day to day life that dulls our senses so that we do not notice the agreements sneaking in and the warfare when it happens.

To arms my brave brothers, my valiant sisters, to arms, the enemy is still there, poised to strike. Another battle has just begun, lets keep the “old normal” at bay lets live the life of Jesus as the “new normal”.

Warrior princess

Cosmic Hanna.jpg

Jesus is not good at just doing his job. At the wedding in Canaan he doesn’t just make a few bottles of wine, he miraculously produces 600 litres. When feeding the five thousand with a boys lunchbox he also goes the extra mile and there are 12 baskets of left overs afterwards.

So I am standing in worship, the afterglow of Gods intimate, deep, healing touch is washing over me in waves. Suddenly I have a vision. In front of me I see this beautiful woman, perfect in every way. Long brown hair rolling over her shoulders in wavy locks. Her fierce dark brown eyes sparkling with vibrant vitality. She is dressed in a snugly fitting leather armour and wielding an elven sword raised high ready for battle. It is the most stunning woman I have ever seen, and then I realise, she is my wife!

Awestruck i stand there marvelling, falling in love with my wife as if it where the first time. Standing in a lodge squeezed in between the peaks of the rocky mountains thousands of miles from home, I realise the she is my perfect match, my ezer (companion or lifesaver from Gen 2.18). She is the woman that battled for my heart when I couldn’t. I would not be whom God wants me to be without her. I realise standing there, that I have truly been blessed with a gift from God!

Victorious Battle Brother

I wake up Sunday morning, close my eyes in prayer and see a beautiful lake at the foot of a beautiful mountain with snow covered peaks piercing the clouds. My vision is back!

I can feel peace and a quiet strength inside as I walk to the last session of the weekend. We worship and I can feel the presence of Spirit. I know God is there and I know that he is with me.

John is kneeling leading us in prayer, Jesus is saying it’s time you forgive me! I don’t feel that Jesus has wronged me…. but wait, what is that. I hear a voice from deep within, screaming, no, raging.

“You’ll just send me away like all the others”

“No”, Jesus whispers, his voice heavy with grief. He is not speaking to me, he is speaking to the eleven year old boy in my heart.

“Whee where you that day?” The boy rages on, “The day my heart shattered. Why didn’t you protect me?”

“My son”, Jesu answers, words filled with compassion, “I was there with you, it was my arms rocking you to sleep. I loved you then, and I love you now. I will never, ever leave you alone”

I have been listening in on the exchange strangely detached but now Jesus turns to face me and his eyes pierce my heart.

“You are not on your own”

I can feel the healing begin, I can feel how he is binding my heart together as the boy inside starts trusting, allowing me to trust Jesus as well. I break the agreement that I am on my own, I break the agreement that I will always leave before I get left behind, and most of all I break with the sinister behaviours that have led to my cycles of self destruction in order to prove that I am unlovable.

I am deep in prayer during the following covenanted silence, holding a sword in my hands when Jesus surprises me yet again. “Battle brother”, he whispers, “You can be my wing man any time”

Battle ground

IMG_8486

What started as a nice, calm trip into the mountains (with a great stop at Dorothy’s for hot tamales) and a great first meeting on the thursday night quickly turned into a nightmare.

I don’t know why it surprised me. I should have been more than ready for this to be a battle of epic proportions. It all started Friday morning when John was talking about inviting Jesus into the young parts of our hearts. I knew that this was the reason I had come to Bootcamp, I needed deep healing. I closed my eyes and ran headfirst into a brick wall. There was nothing there, no Jesus, no woundedness, no feelings and no connection at all to God or to my heart. I was numb.

Then the battle started, it started slowly with “You don’t really belong here among all these americans, they don’t understand what it is like to be a Christian in Europe and especially not in Sweden”. To top that sneaky attack came an assault on my capacity to pray. Every time i shut my eyes I saw nightmare images, battle scenes, bombs exploding, snakes, eyes, demonic grins, more snakes, dancing pigs etc. Chaos and frightening images made it impossible to pray.

This continued all of Friday with a brief respite during the afternoon when I went fly fishing, when, I concentrated on trying to cast properly and not so much on prayer.

Saturday morning 04:00 I wakeup in the dark assaulted by agreements, “This is not for you”, “Johns teaching is to conservative”, “There is no such thing as warfare and spiritual attacks” (YEA RIGHT!), “You are not good enough to deserve to hear from Jesus”, “There is no Jesus”, “God doesn’t exist”, “It was a waste of time and money to go here” and so on ad nauseum. I break each one of these in turn as they come to me, it goes on for two hours non stop. I drift into uneasy sleep until 07:00 when I get up, tired, to face the day.

Prayer block still there, I am irritated and have trouble taking anything in during sessions. I am disappointed that Bart can’t find the time to talk to me but I engage the intercessor team to get this of my back. Evening comes and the status quo remains.

Then a band of brothers intervene! They grab me and drag me into an empty lodge and start battling for my heart. These brothers listened well, prayed well, and battled well.

David looks me into the eyes and says, “You are very hard on yourself aren’t you?” I shrug, maybe, I say. “You look at yourself and see a wounded broken boy who keeps tripping up and failing”. David continues, “I see a warrior who has been through, fiercely intense battles and who is still fighting”, the tears well up inside, I want that to be true, but I do not believe it. “What is Jesus saying”, they ask. Exasperated I say but I can’t pray all I see is nightmarish garbage. “Well, if you can’t see, what do you hear then?” I listen…

Faithful Warrior

Tears well up, the dam is broken, and the connection is restored, my warrior heart recovered. I thank God for my brothers in this battle without whom I’d be lost, I realise as so many other times that I am not meant to go this alone. I have Jesus and I have my brothers in arms.

Advanced Bootcamp 2010

I look at the calendar, it’s the first of December!? Really? You have got to be kidding me! Where did the time go?

I am on my way to Colorado for Advanced. Yet again I feel rushed, not ready. I was going to prepare, read some books, pray, ask God for advance words. Instead I spend all of November rushing and now I have spent the night before this important Journey prepping the Sunday meeting presentation and other loose ends.

It fells like it was a lifetime ago I went to Wales and God started this deep healing process. I hope for deeper healing, restoration and freedom, but I have doubts. I feel deeply that I have squandered my talents, I have not prepared as I should have…

Will God show up yet again, will I have invested my time wisely, going across the globe to spend four days in prayer on a mountain? A voice whispers in my mind: “you are a fool”. I press on, maybe I am a fool, but then I’ll be a fool for God at least, chasing the wild goose all the way up in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.

To be continued …

Jesus came to save that which was lost

The question is, do you know what you have lost? Have you like me settled for what is? Yesterday in the stress of coming home, getting ready, and (for me) getting ready for a trans-continental trip. Tempers flared as the kids acted up testing our patience and our love.  After a long silence I found Angelina in the study staring at our wedding photos.

I don’t like it when Mommy is angry, she says. I wish she was like that, she points at the wedding photos, always happy, she was so beautiful.

Oh man, I look at the pictures of the young couple so young, so in love. Almost tangible electrical passion passing between the two. Who are they? I quickly correct myself, where are they now? How did we loose that?

Then I remember that Jesus came to save that which was lost and a wild and a little bit crazy hope flares in my heart. maybe that can be true for us… Maybe it can be true for you…

That's what it means to have Jesus in your heart

Today we had the last training with our bullyproof group. It has been a great term and we have seen some of the kids grow tremendously in confidence and prowess.

We had the pleasure of grading four students (which means that we put a black stripe on their white belts to signify progress.) Both Anja and Angelina got their first stripe.

After the grading we had a short elephant rumble (which is a playful sumo wrestling challenge) in which all the students participated. There where wins, cheers, losses and tears.

As we where changing clothes later Anja said:

At first I got sad when I lost but then my heart said “come on, you can do it”. She looks at me and says, no it wasn’t my heart it was Jesus. He said “come on, you can do it”, and I did! that’s what it means to have Jesus in your heart.

%d bloggers like this: