At the same time I knew that whatever I was in for I already knew what was going to be said, I had read all the books (several times), I had lived and preached the message… I was going just to scout out the formula … how do I put on one of these things myself, so that I can grow my church and win men for the kingdom.
Well I told myself that I would at least get some work done, and maybe I could spend an evening online gaming if I got bored……
Little did I know that God had other plans.
Unplugging and releasing control
Arriving at Cefn Lea we where told to shut of our phones and not to use computers until the camp was over. Furthermore we where told that we would not receive any schedule and information would be given on a need to know basis.
In the first session John Eldredge told us to dive in, go for it and to be wary of all those negative and destructive thoughts, that the gloves where of and that this was war. The cynic in me wanted to retort how convenient that every criticism now has been labeled a move of the enemy. John went on to say that if we where leaders and just here to observe, to let go of that and to realise that this camp was for us. Again the head of cynicism rears to bite back at the control being exerted here.
But I have travelled all this way, and I know no other way than 100%. My agreements kick in full throttle “It’s not going to happen to me anyways, God may touch every man here but he wont touch me”. I am untouchable, besides, I already know all the teaching what can you possibly throw at me?
The design of the whole camp was disrupting my carefully guarded life and the open spaces and nature around us conspired with God to break through every barrier. Yes, I knew all the teaching but I had not counted on the intervention of God. I had no idea what was waiting on the road ahead.
Some on broken pieces
Its Friday afternoon, I am sitting in my chair, paralysed by the torrents of emotion and raw pain tearing through my body. I had known what was coming, I had known every word before spoken, I knew the lines in the video clips; But I had not counted on God showing up. God gently exposing my posing, my intellectual hypocrisy my fear and my deeply and carefully buried pain.
The sorrow, pain and anger has me in a tight grip as my body is violently shook by the deluge of tears that I am totally unable to keep in check.
God is speaking, God is moving, God is healing.
Softly and gently I am being deconstructed by truth that I already had, but had not let in all the way. By a God I have kept at arms length. Assuring others of his love and care, not believing myself worthy or capable of experiencing it first hand.
During this weekend God has spoken, to me, about me, about my ministry and about what I need to do now. It will be a long and perilous road but I have embarked on the journey!
A dangerous man!
The Warrior, the lover, the king in me has been awakened and with all the passion I have I will throw myself at the enemy and engage in this fierce battle. I will not fade quietly in the night, I will not forfeit my freedom. I will take up arms against the forces of darkness. I will tilt even when all in me is screaming for withdrawal.