TheoErotic

I wake up Sunday morning, close my eyes in prayer and see a beautiful lake at the foot of a beautiful mountain with snow covered peaks piercing the clouds. My vision is back!

I can feel peace and a quiet strength inside as I walk to the last session of the weekend. We worship and I can feel the presence of Spirit. I know God is there and I know that he is with me.

John is kneeling leading us in prayer, Jesus is saying it’s time you forgive me! I don’t feel that Jesus has wronged me…. but wait, what is that. I hear a voice from deep within, screaming, no, raging.

“You’ll just send me away like all the others”

“No”, Jesus whispers, his voice heavy with grief. He is not speaking to me, he is speaking to the eleven year old boy in my heart.

“Whee where you that day?” The boy rages on, “The day my heart shattered. Why didn’t you protect me?”

“My son”, Jesu answers, words filled with compassion, “I was there with you, it was my arms rocking you to sleep. I loved you then, and I love you now. I will never, ever leave you alone”

I have been listening in on the exchange strangely detached but now Jesus turns to face me and his eyes pierce my heart.

“You are not on your own”

I can feel the healing begin, I can feel how he is binding my heart together as the boy inside starts trusting, allowing me to trust Jesus as well. I break the agreement that I am on my own, I break the agreement that I will always leave before I get left behind, and most of all I break with the sinister behaviours that have led to my cycles of self destruction in order to prove that I am unlovable.

I am deep in prayer during the following covenanted silence, holding a sword in my hands when Jesus surprises me yet again. “Battle brother”, he whispers, “You can be my wing man any time”